Always A Baby

I am the baby in the family. The baby. Always the baby. There is no escape from ever becoming more than the baby in the family. You might be a year old or a thousand years old. You will forever be the baby in the family. 

Some babies of the family reject this role so hard that they become frightfully bold and fierce. Some babies, however, accept the role. I was this kind of baby. 

When you accept the role, you follow the rules of your elders, you talk when they tell you, you listen when they tell you, you jump when they tell you. If you’re lucky, you do get the perks, but I’m not here today to talk about the perks. I am here today to talk about how the baby always has to ask permission to speak. 

Imagine being surrounded by your loved ones and everyone is giving suggestions about the weekend outing, but a peep from you gets an immediate, “who are you to even talk right now.” You swallow whatever allotment of pride you were born with and start internalizing everything. You notice quickly how little you are actually allowed to express without the weight of the elder voices raining down in buckets over your words, your body language, or gesticulation. Ouch goes your ego. 

You start to question how much of you is actually you and how much of you is everything you’ve been told about you by the not-you’s. You know? You start to lose your sense of “You.” 

Now you are cursed. 

You are cursed to travel a thousand roads to discover the true meaning of the word “You.” Sometimes you travel a road longer than you were meant to and, if you stay, you are certainly doomed to be haunted by that emptiness of not knowing exactly who you are.

But here’s the kiss part of the curse. 

You get to be whatever you want. It doesn’t always feel this way, but when it does, it’s pretty freaking awesome. 

And road after road, you start to realize some things stick and resonate more than others. You start to realize you are a part of everything you’ve ever met. You start to realize you are always changing. You never step into the same boots twice. 

So while you have been silenced your whole life to the point where you are forced into a spiritual journey, you get to go on that journey. You get to explore all the possibilities of “You.” And THAT is fun AF. 

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